On plotting and planning and being flexible

So I've been training for the Honolulu Marathon since May. Long runs started in earnest in mid-August, and a few of them were pretty awful.

I get bored sometimes on long run, but this wasn't that. This was knee pain. Weird, painful inflammation that made it impossible for me to bend my right knee beyond 45 degrees. Which made even just getting into the car after a long run kinda hard.

That pain, coupled with the really odd burning sensation that creeps into the toes of my right foot around mile four or five, really made me worry about those long runs. But still, I kept at it. I ran through the burning, used KT tape and a knee brace with the precision heretofore accomplished only by MacGyver, and I ran on. I had some good, nearly great, long runs as fall progressed. In the crisp air I was able to get 17 miles in and actually finish smiling.

The look on my face is exactly how I felt.

Then, in early November, I found myself running a 10K in Florida. By process of elimination, I think
the heat has more to do with knee pain than I had previously considered, because the first few miles went by without a hitch, but by mile four, I could barely run.

I would rather run my 17 miler back home in the cold than run another six miles in Florida. Which scares the crap out of me, because Hawaii is warm. Still, I figured I would press on, because there is no time limit in Honolulu and I am not a quitter.

Then, as if by divine intervention, I learned the Honolulu races allow runners to change their registration. I could downgrade from the marathon to the 10K. (They actually mentioned that runners could change from the Merrie Mile, a one-mile race, to the marathon. Who are they talking to with the whack suggestion?)

I thought about it. I considered how hard I've been working, how much time I've put in. Training. Preparing. But none of that is truly lost by deciding to run a shorter distance. I thought about the friends who were coming along for this crazy marathon journey - two of the best friends a girl could ask for, my sister Jenn and my friend Linda. Would I be letting them down? Would they be disappointed? But I know my tribe. They don't judge. They want what's best for me, and they want me to decide what that is.

I took a little over a week, mulling over my options in some sort of emotional yoga, and deciding how I really felt about it. And then I changed my registration.

I will be running 6.2 instead of 26.2, and I'm fine with it.

From the time I started my fitness journey, some of the best advice I've (repeatedly) received is "listen to your body." My body doesn't want to run a marathon in three weeks. I'm not saying never, but I am saying that unless and until I figure out what is causing the inflammation, I'm fine not running long. Not everyone is cut out to be an endurance runner. Hell, lots of people - most people - never run a race of any length. And that's okay, too.

I don't know what the future holds after this 10K on December 8. But here's what I know for sure:

• I am grateful to have the opportunity to run a shorter race than the marathon. This is almost unheard of in any other race I've done. Thank you, Hawaii, for letting me earn a shirt and a medal!
• I'm proud that I did the training, even though I won't be running the full distance.
• I won't quit running.
• I won't quit cycling.
• I won't quit swimming.
• I won't quit trying new things where health and fitness is concerned.

The view from the top of Diamond Head. Worth the long flight.

Truth be told, I would want to go to Hawaii whether there were a race or not. It is my favorite place on the planet. It is lovely and warm and special, and I would want to go there to spectate, to run, or just for a maitai. (But that would be a very expensive and time-consuming maitai.)

Hawaii holds part of my heart. It is a place I've shared with Dad, and it will tug at my memories of him, for sure. But this trip will be special in its own ways. This time, I'll get to see my bestie run 26.2 miles. I'll get to show my favorite place to her. I'll get to laugh with Jenn as we remember past trips, and together we'll cry and eat hula pie and poke and spam and macadamia-encrusted fish and drink really good coffee and frozen blue drinks ... and it will all feel wonderful. So the trip is different than what it was when we started planning two years ago. It is different than what I registered for. But it is exactly what it's supposed to be. 

And now it's October

Well, a few things haven't gone perfectly for my 100 days.

I haven't journaled every day. (Or hardly at all.)

I haven't worked out every day.

But here's what I did do: In that first month (September - also known as Birthday Month) I completed a two-week nutritional detox.

This was not my first time through the detox protocol, but it feels different this time. Yes, there were some physical adjustments, but the mental changes? This time, it's next-level stuff.

For two weeks, I drank a ton of water. (My weight, divided in half, in ounces of water each day. So more than 100 ounces. Yipes!) I drank a detox shake every morning for breakfast (and in the last four days I also had one for dinner or evening snack.) And I eliminated (with rare exception): dairy, corn, eggs, soy, peanuts, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. There was a night at the theater and I enjoyed some red wine. There was a get-together luncheon with old friends and I had 1/4 of a panini. So sue me.) That elimination isn't meant to be permanent, but instead it's designed to help you zero in on any foods that cause discomfort or inflammation. What it did for me is allow me to understand what it feels like to take in dense nutrients minus the junk, to get rid of sugar long enough to stave off the cravings, and to realize that I don't need nearly as much food as I ate prior to the detox.

I know I should do my best to keep up this style of eating, in moderation. And in the last two weeks, my idea of what "moderation" is has also changed. A cookie is moderation. Four is a dish to pass. If I can eat one, I can have one. If I can't, well ... the only answer is zero.

Full disclosure: the first thing I added back was coffee. And lo, it was good. I've used a little dairy (great quality plain yogurt in a curry dish) and I made some homemade treats for days when I need a little somethin'. I continue to feel great ... and the scale is responding.

Since starting the detox, I'm down 7.2 pounds. There's more work to be done, but this is a great start. Meanwhile, I am cooking more (see above re: curry) and loving it.

Bottom line: life is as short as it is precious, and we only have this one body to live it in. I want to feel good in mine, so I intend to stay the course. There will be celebrations, there will be vacations, there will be reasons to indulge - and that's okay. As long as I always return to this place where I enjoy delicious food that fuels me for living well for a long, long time.

100 Days: the reboot

Once upon a time, a girl embarked on a hundred days journey.

And then, all hell broke loose. 

Which, to be honest, is the start of a really great story.

At the time, it felt like the end. It felt like that was the way the story - my story - would conclude. Every sadness the world could offer was served up, buffet-style, on a plate heaped with grief and loss. Self-awareness allowed me to acknowledge the depression I was in, but I didn't always have the tools to work through it. I tried, but I needed time.

Apparently the amount of time would be measured in years. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever be done working through it. For my sisters and I, between losing our father, having to place our brother in a group home, and having his care be something less than we'd hoped for during those first few months ... well, it's a miracle we're all still standing.

And then, almost two years after Dad died, I lost my job. I cycle through moments when everything sucks and everything is awesome, usually dancing in the gooey in-between stages.

So here we are. It's been years since I wrote on these pages, but I'm not done telling stories and working on being the best version of myself. Today, 100 Days begins anew.

Not coincidentally, this new journey starts exactly 100 days before the Honolulu Marathon.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen ... I'm running a marathon. (Although I'm using the term "running" very loosely here.)

I'll be taking a bit of time every day to log my workouts, weigh in, and reflect on progress. Getting to race day with confidence is the goal, and everything that goes in to the next 100 days will be focused on that.

Is it scary? Um, yeah. Does it feel a little bit crazy and stupid to be planning a trip to Hawaii while I don't have a job? Undeniably. But the tickets were booked back when I was working full-time, and with the good fortune of a great freelance project, I think I can make it work, financially speaking. If not, I'll be in debt for awhile, and that's okay, too. Because life is short and I refuse to punish myself just because my current situation is less than ideal.

So here we go. Another hundred days begins ... now.

Well, shit

Y'all, my 100 days is a bust.

It's hard to log food and get all the planned workouts in when your focus moves, and this week I've been focused on family. My dad - the finest man in the world - has been sick and in need of some help, and if you've ever met Glenn, you know that for him to ask for help, he must feel pretty awful.

And I'm in a position to help, so for a little while, I took a backseat. Which is fine. Which is life.

I'm not sure if I'm going to pick up my hundred where I left off, or start back at the beginning. What I do know is that even in the midst of uncertainty and worry, I have run. Tonight I'm going to yoga. Tomorrow I'm going to run and lift. But this week I also ate a cookie the size of my face and had a blizzard. (Thank you, DQ; you are as delicious as I remember.)

In all of this, I am learning grace and forgiveness. I'm worth that. I'm worthy of being treated with the kindness and generosity of spirit I would treat a friend, so that's what I'm trying to do.

Be gentle with yourselves, friends, and I'll do the same. And we'll get back to the hundred once we figure out what that's gonna look like.

Forty what?

Well, what'd ya know. I'm just a little more than 40 days in. Exactly where I am, I'm not sure, because while I was in Hawaii, I missed a few days of logging so I'm not 100 percent sure exactly how far in I am. My journal says I'm on 41, so that's where I'm hanging my hat.

Speaking of Hawaii, holy shit. I miss it so much. And if I'm honest, I'm pretty sure I need to quit my job and be on vacation always. I lost weight on vacation.

That's probably at least partially due to the average of about 17,000 steps every day, and maybe a little bit to do with the fact that I was a little bit careful with my food. And booze. I dialed back the booze because when it's warm my ankles swell and well we can't have that now, can we? So I managed everything pretty well, and came home down a couple LBs. It was basically like getting a present after vacation!

The truth is, this is hard. And it's getting harder. Once I got back from vacation, it was kinda shitty. The weather sucked and I just couldn't find the horse, much less get on it.

So I was gone for a little over a week, and then I took about 10 days to get my shit together. And now it's back to kickin' it hard!

Oh, also? Right after I got back, I ran a 5K - the Race to Wrigley. It took a long ass time; the finish line was a huge bottleneck and my official time was 55:34, but my unofficial time was closer to 46 minutes.

Then last Saturday, I ran the Run for Refugees at church, and finished in 45:23. I wanted to be under 45, but ... alas ... I was close. Next time, you elusive goal. Next time.

Aloha and all that stuff

It's entirely possible that starting my 100 days when I knew I had a trip to Hawaii scheduled was unwise, but I kinda don't think so.

I was gone for eight days, and for the most part I logged what I ate. Some days I was way over on what I ate, but ... um ... vacation. But my activity was off the chain. The one day I didn't run, I hiked up a mountain, so I totally win at vacation.

I'm currently bitter that there is very little really good fresh fruit in Schaumburg. It has been days since I've had guava. Not to mention the fact that I am in the freaking Midwest, so fresh seafood is becoming a distant memory. Oh, sadness.

The breakfasts. The dinners. The running along Diamond Head Road. Oh, Hawaii, you get me.

So like I said, I almost logged all the food. I missed a few meals. A few days. And I haven't lifted weights in a week. But I hiked up a mountain. I ate all the fresh fish. I feasted on fruits. And I will jump right back into my full 100 days starting ... nnnnnow.

(But that doesn't mean I feel like I blew it. I did not. One cannot blow it when one averages 17,000 steps a day.)

We were made to Move

Well, friends, I did it. I had a one-on-one Pilates session at Move Studio in Lincolnshire. Everything else I have to say should be prefaced with "ow ow ow ow ow."

Pilates is tricky. It requires time under tension; you rarely let your muscles relax. It isolates muscles that are otherwise hard to isolate. But all that could be learned from a Google search. Let me tell you about my specific experience at Move with the amazing Emily.

Emily's background as a personal trainer comes through in her attention to form, not to mention her clients. She finds a way to make you feel like you can do whatever she asks of you, and mostly you believe it. We began the workout with simple moves that became more difficult as the muscle woke up. The Pilates Bench of Torture (I'm told it's called a "reformer") helps you a bit with springs, but you're mostly working against them. And with each repetition (say, when you're isolating one tricep) that familiar burn seeps in.

And stays.

And then Emily says something like, "Just four more."

And she tells you you can do it, after which you do.

The studio is gorgeous, and it feels good to know that hockey players and soccer moms - and everyone in between - are among the clients.

Truth is, Move is for anyone and everyone. It's for middle aged "fit fat" people like me, it's for lithe dancers, avid runners, yogis, cyclists and anyone who wants to work hard.

And potentially not feel their legs in the morning.

100 Days update: Haven't missed a workout. Haven't missed logging food. Have met my challenges head on. And still haven't regularly photographed my food. 

Does the scale matter?

First off, let me tell you ... I still suck at photographing my food. Maybe in another 25 days I'll have that one mastered.

Anyway, it's Day 25! Can you believe it? We're a quarter of the way through 100 Days. It's a little weird to think about it.

So, 25 days ago, I got on the scale. Not a normal scale, mind you, but this one. It doesn't tell me what I weigh; it tells me how much my weight has changed (plus or minus) since my first weigh-in. And wow, what a difference it makes. It puts the focus on change, rather than some far-off end result. (I don't mind telling you, I'm seeing the number trending ever so slowly in the right direction.)

I get on the scale once or twice a week, just to check in. No big deal. But this is about so much more than weighing in.

It's logging my food. Guys, I haven't missed a meal. Not one. In 25 days. (Disclaimer: I leave for Hawaii a week from tomorrow. I'm going to try and log while I'm on vacation, but ... I'm human. And how do you log hula pie?)

It's veggies, it's berries, it's lean protein. And it's the occasional glass of champagne. I am not a barbarian.

It's not missing a workout. It's trying different workouts. I've gotten myself back to yoga class since starting my 100 Days. I got back in the pool for a swim last weekend. I haven't missed a run on my training plan. And this Thursday, in an absolute fit of lunacy, I'll be visiting Move Studio for a one-on-one Pilates lesson. It might kill me, but I'm going to try it!

The thing is, there is so much to consider, to try, to work on here. I've been at it for 25 days, and I'm ready for the next 75. Goals: maybe take a photo. Keep doing workouts that are fun and different and maybe a little scary.

But mostly just keep going.

Cookies

I ate two cookies yesterday.

That felt a little bit like I imagine it feels to be a young Catholic headed to her first confession. But here's the thing: cookies aren't sin. And if they are, man, I'm a sinner.

They were delicious.

I'm not prohibiting any foods during my 100 Days, but I am trying to cut back (and eventually eliminate) processed foods. The cookies came from catering here at the university, and I know they were packed with more sugar than I should have in any given day. But seeing as there are no "rules," I didn't break any. So I ate them, and I logged them, and I moved on.

Dessert lately has been some honey yogurt in a martini glass (fancy!) topped with some shaved dark chocolate. For a girl who used to enjoy a Klondike bar (or two?) each night, this is an odd indulgence, but it does indeed feel indulgent. And a couple of cookies (one white chocolate macadamia, one snickerdoodle) did not derail the train.

Nope, last night I was right back at the gym. Dinner was sushi (thank you, Trader Joe!) and my treat (did I need one after two cookies?) was ... you guessed it ... berries and yogurt. That's what I want at the end of the night. Not ice cream, but yogurt. (With a little shaved chocolate. I'm not a barbarian.)

So here I am on Day 20. DAY 20 I SAID! Crazy. I suck at taking photos of my food. I thought that would be the easiest, but it turns out I'm an epic failure. Think I'm kidding? This is literally all the food I've had this week, if you trust the photos on my camera:

Sunday's bloody mary

Sunday's post-race breakfast. (And dinner.)

Berries and yogurt from I think Monday

Monday breakfast shake and coffee

Monday second breakfast

Monday dinner. Hey, I did pretty well on Monday!

Tuesday lunch. Be jealous; it was fabulous.

Wednesday dinner

Wednesday dessert

But hey, I have 80 days left; I can improve.

I have done at least five days of working out each week. I haven't missed a run. And I've logged all my food with the exception of BaconFest because how the hell do you log 75 bites of weird food that has no entry in MyFitnessPal? Get real. I even logged my bloody mary (okay, two bloody marys) last Sunday. This, my friends, is progress.

And that is the real essence of my 100 Days project; to find progress in unconventional ways. I struggle when I don't see progress on the scale. The weight moves away from me slowly, but the other changes? Those are already happening.

I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling confident. I don't let myself talk myself out of a workout. I even look forward to my workouts like I did back in the day.

I missed that version of me; it's good to know she hadn't strayed far.

But it's also good to know that I can have a cookie (or two) on occasion and not feel like I've lost the wagon entirely.

Left field

Sometimes, life surprises you.

For a long time, I understood how differently I felt when I worked out regularly. It made a huge diffence in my emotional state, and I was in a great routine.

Then, well over two years ago, I got sick ... and that brought with it a downward spiral that I just couldn't find my way out of.

I'm not sain' I'm out of the woods, but I feel like I'm on my way back. I'm trusting myself to take a rest day and not derail my everything. It's different. It's good. The realization sorta hit me out of nowhere.

Speaking of which, tonight I ran into a friend in the locker room who asked me if I was still considering becoming an instructor. I'll be honest; it's something I'd love to do, but I know I need to get closer to my goal weight in order to be a credible instructor. So from here on Day 18, that's something I'm letting myself think about again.

And yeah ... all of this hit me out of left field.

Lucky number 13

Y'all, I'm on Day 13. Maybe not remarkable to anyone but me, but it's damn well a thing in my book. Almost two weeks down!

And it's going well. Not perfect, but well.

And that's the whole thing, really. It isn't about being perfect. It's about maintaining motivation even when it isn't perfect. So here's what's the what this week:

• On Sunday, my sister and I did a run through the park near where we grew up. The one-mile course has five exercise stations positioned at intervals around it. They almost killed us. We completed the course  twice, and then went to look at wolves and otters. (We saw eagles and a cougar, but no otters.) (Dammit.)
• Other workouts this week included another great run, lots of weights, and C9 - this horribly awesome weight training/cardio class at the gym. 
• On the food front, I suck at taking pictures of my food. Seriously, this morning I sat down to breakfast and thought "take a picture" right before I ate it, and then promptly forgot and ate. This habit may take awhile to really solidify. Obvi.
• Water? Bad. I haven't gotten nearly my allotment this week. Something to work on, I suppose.
• I have logged all my food. All of it. This may prove difficult tonight, because I am volunteering at BaconFest, and most of the offerings there will not be in My Fitness Pal. But I'm planning carefully, not indulging in all the things but instead going in with a Luna bar and not allowing hunger to lead me. I'm going to enjoy a few things, and forgo the rest. Because I love bacon, but I am not stupid.

This weekend is the Shamrock Shuffle, my favorite race of the year. It's an 8K (just a smidge under 5 miles) and I'm not really trained for that. But I'm going to head out with the intention of having a great time, and that's really the whole point, right? 

One week

Here we are on Day 8 of 100. I'm feeling pretty confident, but with 92 to go, there's a lot left that could happen.

This week, I managed to:

• Make it to two yoga classes
• Get three run workouts done on a 5k training plan
• Lots of walking; twice at treadmill desks at the office
• Did a weight training workout at home when I forgot my shoes
• Took an intentional rest day
• Schedule a Pilates introductory class at a studio recently opened by a friend

And, believe it or not, I logged my food. I didn't get pictures of everything as I intended, but I feel pretty good about the logging. 

It was a very good week. The confidence I feel when I make myself eat right and get the workouts in is such a bonus. I know I am very lucky to have the opportunities to move that I do, so it's good to feel like I am getting back into the habit of making use of the opportunities I have. 

The one potential pitfall I had was going to Eataly with my sisters yesterday. We all managed to navigate wisely, taking most of our lunches home. We ordered pizzas and shared some appetizers, and while pizza is an indulgence (oh blissful carb, I love you so) it's not such a bad thing when you eat only a third of it. Plus, all that walking! Getting to 10,000 steps yesterday was super easy. I feel like I really earned the sitting down when it was all over. 

This morning was the usual Saturday morning workout, and it felt great to get it done. It's been a good week. I hope to be able to same in another week's time.

Checking in - Day 5

This morning I started Day 5 of my 100 Day Challenge. And I woke up a little proud of myself.

Last night, I went to the gym only to quickly leave the gym. I'd forgotten my gym shoes, and I didn't think combat boots would quite get me through the workout. So, when I got home ... I worked out. Yep; turned on my trusty app and got 46 minutes of body-weight muscle toning in, and I followed the workout up with a pretty delicious salad and yogurt.

If this had happened last week, it would likely have resulted in a trip to the Whole Foods hot bar for mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese, and possibly gelato. Not that any of that is verboten (even with my new mindset), there just really needs to be a reason for it. And no, a day that ends in "y" is not a reason. Either I earn it with a serious workout, or there's an event or celebration behind it. (Preferably, I will earn it AND there will be a celebration.)

What's more, after I had my dinner and yogurt last night, I just brushed my teeth. Nope, no more food tonight. You will not tempt me, Kind bars!

So here's the real dill pickle: this isn't hard, but it's hard. I have to continually remind myself that this isn't a quick fix. It's not really about what I'm eating; it's about being real about what I'm eating, and being diligent about getting to the gym.

It's about focus. And sometimes I lose focus.

Here's what I know on Day 5: I feel good. I'm sleeping great. And I'm excited about trying new things. That's sort of a tertiary goal here - trying new things. I'm counting yoga in that, because I haven't been going regularly to yoga in a really long time. So all those places that offer you a free workout to try? I'm trying them. Orange Theory? Bring it on. A friend of mine just opened her own pilates studio, and I am pumped to try it. And yes, I'm challenging myself to get to at least one yoga class every week, because I know it will tap into parts of me that need to be awakened and worked. Scary? A little. And that's okay.

For the moment, though, I'm off to walk on a treadmill and answer some emails before going to meditation class. Because that's something new, too.

So ... what're you doing between now and June 26?

You guys ... I know perfectly well that if you never quit, you never have to start over.

I have the technical knowledge to reach good health and maintain it, but damn ... it's hard. I'm 50 years old and my metabolism is no longer on my side. And going weeks - sometimes several - without a weight-loss result means I battle depression as a result. And the cycle begins again.

I get caught up on week-by-week results, or I look too far down the road and I don't stay on top of my goal. Back at Christmas, my sisters asked me what my "word of the year" would be, and I replied "focus." That word has been the subject of two paintings, and has also been inscribed on a key my sisters gave me to remind me of what should be driving me this year.

And so, it's time to focus. Not for a week, but not with an eye toward forever. I'm giving myself 100 days. Between now and June 26, I'm going to work at my focus.

I'm keeping it pretty personal. I'm not broadcasting blog posts (though if someone finds it, that's fine by me.) I'm going to give myself a focus task every week (this week it's logging food) and expecting workouts six out of every seven days.

It won't be perfect. Hell, I have a trip to Hawaii coming up in there. But there's no reason not to get my workouts in. No reason not to keep track of my food. No reason to put off taking care of myself just because I'm on vacation.

I was going to start tomorrow, but I realized there is no time like the present. Let's go; 100 days begin now.

On 2017 and what's to come

I haven't been very good about blogging lately.

I don't know if I will be any better about it in 2017, but I'm gonna try. Because here's the thing: 2016 has been rough. I started the year with goals and plans, and I stuck with some. I didn't on others. This isn't self-loathing talking, it's just an admission of real life.

Sometimes, Doing The Things is hard.

So, 2017 is around the corner. I'm thinking of keeping it simple. For years, it was about how many races I could run. How many workouts I could get in. But this year, I'm just going to pull it back a bit.

The coming year is about two things: getting stronger (weight training, you're up!) and fueling right (most of the time.) I think that translates to three or four weight-bearing workouts per week, and eating fruit or veg and protein most times when I fill the pie hole.

That's it. Two simple methods that should net me some results in 365 days.

Oh, and love. I'm going to thank my body instead of being critical of it. I've been doing better at that lately, and really - it's a much better way.

Off we go, friends. It's time.

Six weeks in the infirmary

Oh, you guys.

It has been a long, arduous six-ish weeks. See, in mid-April I went on vacation (and totally rocked a 19.3-mile weekend). Then I went to Phoenix and slid into a bit of depression that I could not shake. For my next trick, I got sick. Like, really sick.

Between the many medical professionals I spoke with over the course of the illness, I've been told it was probably bronchitis, walking pneumonia or full-on pneumonia ... or the combo platter. Because when I do things, I do not do them half ass. No sir, the whole ass or nothing, thank you very much.

So, it's been about six weeks since I've worked out regularly (or at all.) I've tried, but breathing was nearly impossible, so every time I tried, I abandoned it again.

That wears on you after awhile. My sickness left me feeling even more depressed, and I could not for the life of me see the way out.

I've dealt with depression off an on throughout my adult life, and this was by far the worst, because I could not find a way to help myself.

Finally, last week, the right meds began to kick in, and I'm coming back to life. The thing is, the decline was so slow and steady, I didn't realize how bad it was. I had zero energy or motivation. I felt horrible, all the time. Even when I tried to do better, I just didn't have it in me.

I share this because for about 48 hours now, I've felt better. After six weeks, the light came back on, thanks to great medical care and an even better support network. I'm hurtling toward tri season completely untrained, but I am so joyful to be able to do it at all, I cannot wait.

It will not be easy. But I will cross that finish line.

Smiling.

What goes through my head before a big race

I'm working from home today, and in between throwing last-minute items in my suitcase and cranking out a few projects, I'm thinking.

Yeah, this could get dangerous.

My bestie and I leave this afternoon to head to Florida for the Dark Side Challenge - two races, one weekend, totally 19.3 miles when all is said and done. We're tapping in to our inner geeks and getting ready to use the Force. But before we do that, we had to grind through about three and a half months of training.

Good days. Bad days. Scheduled runs that didn't happen, weeks when there was just too much going on. We did our best, and that's what we'll do on Saturday and Sunday: our best, whatever that looks like. Truly, I'm grateful to be able to run, and my race goal is to live in the moment every step of the way. I've packed my sense of wonderment in my carry-on.

Over the last few days, a lot of people have said, "I don't know how you do it," or "I could never do that," or "you have to be crazy!" (That last one might be true.) Here's what I want you to know: how I do it is by deciding I will and then following a plan, and you can do it if you want to.

I'm a proud slow runner. I've never even cracked the top 2/3 of my age group, and it's possible I never will. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I am out there, challenging myself, stepping up to the start line with full faith that I will cross the finish line. It's one thing to not want to do it. It's quite another to think you can't.

It's just mileage. All you have to do is be willing to keep moving forward.

This feels different

My big D.Tox experiment started six weeks ago. I was two weeks full-on damn near perfect on the program, and after that I was able to add back in to my eating the things I really missed.

The thing is, I didn't miss much.

I had zero physical issues coming off of coffee, so even though I still love it, I'm down to one or two cups a week (contrasted with two or three cups a day.) I'm a tea devotee now, and happy with that.

Gluten, which I thought would be the hardest to give up, has proven not to be hard at all. Yes, I've had Lou's pizza, but for the most part, I've let go of wheat. There are too many other options out there. Peanuts? Gone. Turns out I really like almond butter. Dairy, you fickle minx, you've been the hardest to avoid, but even still, it isn't bad. All that crap they tell you about cravings subsiding when you start to eat better ... turns out, it's not crap.

Now, I have found ways to treat myself. I have indulged in chocolate chia pudding. It's basically almond or coconut milk, chia seeds, cocoa powder, and a bit of blackstrap molasses - one of the few "sanctioned" sweeteners - to take the edge off. I'm not gonna lie to you; this is not the chocolate mousse you're looking for, but it certainly satisfies that part of my brain that wants something chocolatey.

And yes, one night I ate a (couple of) handfuls of sugared pecans. And a slice of fruit pizza. But other than that, there have been zero sweets. I'm like a recovering alcoholic, because I want everyone to experience how good it feels to not have crap in my system.

I just feel different. I am not out of the woods yet, but really - are we ever? There's always temptation or laziness out there, threatening our success. It's a matter of telling it, "Nope; not today."

In the next six weeks, I have a lot of work to do. I'll be heading off to my first half marathon in a year, and I want to feel good when I finish. (Also, I want to look cute in pictures.) So I'm sticking to the plan; I'm (literally) working my ass off. Let's see where we go! But one thing's for sure; this feels different.

Well, that was unexpected.

So here we are at Day 12 of D.Tox, and I'm still standing. Have I been perfect? Nope, not by any means. But not because I've indulged in something I shouldn't. More in that I haven't been able to have protein with every meal or snack, and some days I haven't gotten as many servings of fruits/veg that they want me to. But for me, sticking to plan is more about not eating Ben & Jerry's than it is about being perfect.

It would have been easier to play Cloistered Nun and shut myself off from the world for two weeks, but that's not reality. Reality is being around people, celebrating life's ups and downs. But man, I was scared when those opportunities arose. A restaurant with a great menu. A comfortable kitchen with great pizza. And cake. A work meeting with artisinal cheeses.

And yet, every time, I stayed the course.

This all may sound like a load of hooey to you. It did to me up until about a month ago. Sometimes, you have to try things even though they sound like a load of hooey.

When Alisa recommended the D.Tox to me, I rejected it immediately. But in the back of my mind, something was brewing. I was considering it, trying to figure out how I could make it work, financially and lifestyle-wise.

I've made it work. As of today, I cannot begin to tell you how good I feel. My skin is clear. My body feels good. My clothes fit better. I feel just plain good. It's hard to explain, but really incredible to be inside of.

It's scary, too, because come Monday, the detox part of D.Tox is over, and the rules can be broken ... but I think I'm gonna hold steady. I will probably re-introduce gluten or dairy into the diet to see how I react, but if I'm honest, I don't much miss it, so maybe I just won't. I'm already looking forward to coffee, but I'll probably limit it to the weekends. And as for sugar ... well ... now that I've gone almost two weeks without sweets, I really don't think it would be smart to climb back on that bandwagon.

I am convinced that the body doesn't always know what's good for it. I want a donut, pretty much 24/7, but by telling myself for the last two weeks that donuts were out of the question, I've quieted the cravings down to a low whimper.

Truth is, I expected to feel hungry and crabby. I did not expect to feel peaceful and enlightened.

One of the biggest discoveries through D.Tox has been in the learning about myself. Now, I realize I'm a grown-ass woman, and I should have a modicum of self-awareness by now, but sometimes we lose track of ourselves. We change slowly over time without even realizing it, and if we're lucky, we have the opportunity to realize where we've gone off the rails.

My lightbulb moment came when, for reasons passing understanding, I became very emotional. I've always been a sensitive person, but I can generally pinpoint where it comes from, and understand where to go from there. Alas, apparently I am also very good at bottling things up and burying what I'm feeling under a gin martini (extra brine, kkthxbai) or a slab of cheesecake, because when those things aren't an option, the feelz ... oh the feelz.

Having to stand and deal ... or rather, melting down, fleeing the scene and then having to deal ... is a learning experience. Hi, my name is Maggie, and I used to eat my feelings.

For the last few weeks, I've had to use actual coping skills. I couldn't stress-eat raw almonds, because lame. So, feel the stress, and find a way out. I couldn't dull hurt with a cocktail or dessert or bacon or the bread basket. I just had to feel it.

In truth, it wasn't bad. It was kinda mind-blowing, looking back. And I think that's one of the most important ways I hope this experiment makes a lasting change. Now that I'm aware that it's my habit to quiet my soul with consumption, I'll be doing my level best not to do that anymore. It's inauthentic, and that's not me.

Including today, there are three days left in my D.Tox. I would recommend it to anyone. And it is my intention to continue to be this mindful person, understanding what I'm eating and taking care with it, rather than just eating to eat, or worse ... eating to insulate myself from feeling.

Where will we go from here? Honestly, I have no idea. But I like who I am right now, and I love how I feel. There is no reason to go back.

Ever forward, my friends.

Long time, no write

The fact that I have written exactly nothing here since October of last year should tell you that I have not been particularly on point with my quest for health. That being said, I had a great year. I had a lot of fun. And I maintained most of my good health.

All that being said, I put on a metric shit-ton of weight over the holidays in 2014, and it all stuck around (with a few of its friends) for another holiday season, and ushered in 2016 with a middle-finger salute.

I've had my meltdown. I've felt sorry for myself and I've cried in the locker room. It boils down to this: what my mom told me was right. It is a lot harder to lose as you age. Hormones are sneaky bastards, and they aren't going to just let you off the hook. So while I was being mostly good, I was also being slightly not-so, and the not-so part has caught up with me. And latched on to my extra chins.

This scares the crap out of me, because I know what three bills looks like on my frame. I don't want to go back there, but I'm currently trending in the wrong direction.

That's where my friend Alisa comes in. She also happens to be a nutrition guru and personal trainer at my gym, and she talked me off the ledge and made a suggestion.

For some people, she said, it takes some time being perfect when you hit a plateau (or worse) to shake up the metabolism. So I am dedicated to two perfect weeks on the Life Time Fitness D.Tox program.

I'm on Day 2, and I almost caved and had a gyro today. (No one said it would be easy.)

D.Tox basically takes out any foods that are known to cause inflammation in the body. (Most notably dairy, gluten, soy, eggs and some other stuff I can't remember.) So we take those out, fuel the body with high-quality protein (cage-free chicken, grass-fed beef, wild-caught fish) and really good produce (and not all of it needs to be organic, either). There's  no starch, but there is plenty of food. Plus, there's a shake or two a day to provide essential nutrients and work on removing gunk from my liver.

The idea is to remove known irritants from your system, things that cause inflammation in the body and make you feel generally un-good. It's just day two, and I already have less joint pain. (Is that even possible?) But I'll just say this: it isn't easy. And I'm glad it's just for two weeks.

To keep me honest, I thought I'd share pictures of what I'm eating, and you, gentle reader, could share in my trials and tribulations. Here's the scoop so far:

Breakfast, every day. Green tea, plus a smoothie with kale and berries.

Yesterday's lunch; cage-free chicken, with cauliflower and broccoli and roasted garlic. (Yum!)

D.Tox Chili with avocado. (This is actually very good.)

Chicken, greens, broccoli and cauliflower, with dressing made from apple cider vinegar and stone-ground mustard. Not bad, but I wouldn't want it every day.

It's pretty simple, but I still need some tweaks. I need to bring in some snack-worthy food (almonds and walnuts are allowed, as are nut butters that aren't peanuts.) And I need to stop walking through places that are serving gyros. Because that's just mean.

There's 12 more days; I can do this. More later.