Friday, January 29, 2016

Well, that was unexpected.

So here we are at Day 12 of D.Tox, and I'm still standing. Have I been perfect? Nope, not by any means. But not because I've indulged in something I shouldn't. More in that I haven't been able to have protein with every meal or snack, and some days I haven't gotten as many servings of fruits/veg that they want me to. But for me, sticking to plan is more about not eating Ben & Jerry's than it is about being perfect.

It would have been easier to play Cloistered Nun and shut myself off from the world for two weeks, but that's not reality. Reality is being around people, celebrating life's ups and downs. But man, I was scared when those opportunities arose. A restaurant with a great menu. A comfortable kitchen with great pizza. And cake. A work meeting with artisinal cheeses.

And yet, every time, I stayed the course.

This all may sound like a load of hooey to you. It did to me up until about a month ago. Sometimes, you have to try things even though they sound like a load of hooey.

When Alisa recommended the D.Tox to me, I rejected it immediately. But in the back of my mind, something was brewing. I was considering it, trying to figure out how I could make it work, financially and lifestyle-wise.

I've made it work. As of today, I cannot begin to tell you how good I feel. My skin is clear. My body feels good. My clothes fit better. I feel just plain good. It's hard to explain, but really incredible to be inside of.

It's scary, too, because come Monday, the detox part of D.Tox is over, and the rules can be broken ... but I think I'm gonna hold steady. I will probably re-introduce gluten or dairy into the diet to see how I react, but if I'm honest, I don't much miss it, so maybe I just won't. I'm already looking forward to coffee, but I'll probably limit it to the weekends. And as for sugar ... well ... now that I've gone almost two weeks without sweets, I really don't think it would be smart to climb back on that bandwagon.

I am convinced that the body doesn't always know what's good for it. I want a donut, pretty much 24/7, but by telling myself for the last two weeks that donuts were out of the question, I've quieted the cravings down to a low whimper.

Truth is, I expected to feel hungry and crabby. I did not expect to feel peaceful and enlightened.

One of the biggest discoveries through D.Tox has been in the learning about myself. Now, I realize I'm a grown-ass woman, and I should have a modicum of self-awareness by now, but sometimes we lose track of ourselves. We change slowly over time without even realizing it, and if we're lucky, we have the opportunity to realize where we've gone off the rails.

My lightbulb moment came when, for reasons passing understanding, I became very emotional. I've always been a sensitive person, but I can generally pinpoint where it comes from, and understand where to go from there. Alas, apparently I am also very good at bottling things up and burying what I'm feeling under a gin martini (extra brine, kkthxbai) or a slab of cheesecake, because when those things aren't an option, the feelz ... oh the feelz.

Having to stand and deal ... or rather, melting down, fleeing the scene and then having to deal ... is a learning experience. Hi, my name is Maggie, and I used to eat my feelings.

For the last few weeks, I've had to use actual coping skills. I couldn't stress-eat raw almonds, because lame. So, feel the stress, and find a way out. I couldn't dull hurt with a cocktail or dessert or bacon or the bread basket. I just had to feel it.

In truth, it wasn't bad. It was kinda mind-blowing, looking back. And I think that's one of the most important ways I hope this experiment makes a lasting change. Now that I'm aware that it's my habit to quiet my soul with consumption, I'll be doing my level best not to do that anymore. It's inauthentic, and that's not me.

Including today, there are three days left in my D.Tox. I would recommend it to anyone. And it is my intention to continue to be this mindful person, understanding what I'm eating and taking care with it, rather than just eating to eat, or worse ... eating to insulate myself from feeling.

Where will we go from here? Honestly, I have no idea. But I like who I am right now, and I love how I feel. There is no reason to go back.

Ever forward, my friends.

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