Thursday, April 28, 2011


Okay, first things first: I weighed in at 206.4. Still not down to the happy 205 of a few weeks back, but really, I'm pleased. I have continued to lose (albeit slowly) even though I haven't been able to run. And, I have allowed myself to embrace the possibility of what I can do.

One of the activities I'm coming to enjoy the most is also the most surprising: yoga. I find it is helping me not only to stretch (I am, after all, as flexible as a rubber band with dry rot) but to build strength (the challenge here is to hold still rather than lift weight) and discover literal balance. I've gotten only a little better ... but a little is so much more than none.

Which got me thinking about balance as it applies to the rest of my life, and it seems the more I wait to see the doc next (May 4) to discover whether I can run again or not, the more I realize there are lots of activities I enjoy. So when I do return to running (which I am predicting will be Saturday, May 7) I will be stronger, and I will be a different runner. I will be a runner who welcomes the idea of taking a half-hour run followed by a half-hour on the elliptical. I will be a runner who follows her training plan, stretches regularly, and doesn't push too hard, too fast.

I will be a runner with balance.

With this new-found sense of priority, I return to the opening topic: my weight. I believe the elusive less-than-200 weight is out there, waiting (weighting?) for me, and by staying the course, I will get there. Stay tuned!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Things that are delicious

I discovered a new grocery store. There's a place in my town - just up the road and around the corner - called Mariano's, and I love it. Their produce is beautiful. They carry amazing brands, like this stuff that tastes like 100 calories worth of heaven. And they even have "normal" stuff - like Scope mouthwash and Uncle Ben's rice. It's sort of like if Whole Foods and Jewel had a baby grocery store, and it grew really fast.

This place is amazeballs.

Anyway, so I went there. I braved Good Friday grocery shopping, and my tastebuds have been happy ever since. I made lettuce wraps with chicken. Huevos rancheros. Dark chocolate Klondike bars. (Okay, I didn't make those, I ate them. So what?) It's a heavenly little place.

And the greatest discovery is that real, whole food doesn't have to be complicated (Quinoa in the rice cooker? Yes please.) or scary. It just has to be delicious.

And for the record: Easter was a challenge. There was pie; I ate it. I also fell down a hill, which you can read about in my other blog. All in the name of fitness!

And another thing: Spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "amazeballs". WTF, mate?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The weighing is the hardest part

Based on how my ass feels, I was guessing I'd be up about 5 pounds from my happy 205 of a few weeks ago. The proof, as they say, is on the scale. (They don't say that? Really? Whatev.) So I got on the scale this morning, and it did not demand that I immediately step off.

208.4 - up 3.4. Okay. I'll take it. I can kick that shit away in a few weeks, and start afresh.

There's a paralysis that comes from almost meeting a goal. I think in some small way, I'm afraid of finally getting below 200. I get close, and then I wobble. I can't ... seem ... to push ... myself ... beyond.

It's time.

I know things have slowed down since I got all injured and shit. It happens. I need to give myself grace for that. But then ... I need to get it together. Track the calories, and do what I can, exercise-wise. Sure, the quickest way to melt calories is running, but I lost a ton of weight before running came into my life. My overall health is not dependent on whether or not I can run.

Right? Right.

So I have big plans for the weekend. Going to the gym tonight, and on Saturday I'll be back in strength training class. Tomorrow is stay-at-home spa day, and on Sunday, come hell or high water, I will go rollerblading. It's been a long time since I've been on wheels; it's time to get back to it.

Because I am more than just one facet of me. When I was out of work (my God, it's been more than four years ago now!) I had to readjust my definition of self, because I had always defined me according to my job. Well, now I'm redefining who I am as an athlete. (Yes, I wrote that out loud.) I am more than simply a runner. I am a dancer, a walker ... and I am on my way to becoming a cyclist, swimmer and return rollerblader. There is a whole big world out there. I'm not just gonna run through it!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

This is not a linear process

I've written it before. Health, fitness, weightloss ... it doesn't go in a straight line.


It's been a struggle lately. I can feel that I've put on a few pounds. (For the record, that's the wrong direction.) Last weekend was like a smorgasbord of grease. (For the record, it was delicious.) And to top it all off, I'm not running. Nothing melts the fat like running! So that sends my mood into the crapper, and last week I only made it to the gym once.

Great, Mags. Way to go.

So here I am, in the confessional, hoping that getting this out in print will help me get back in line.


All day yesterday, I kept telling myself, "every moment is a new opportunity to do better." And thank God for that. (Although post-workout, I did find myself at the hot bar at Whole Foods creating the ultimate $11 box of comfort food. But it was delicious.) Today has not been perfect, but it has been better. (Meaning, it's 11 a.m. and I have not yet eaten a bagel, nor three slices of strawberry bread.) So there's that.

I must take a moment to acknowledge that I am lucky, and I have a lot of people willing to help me succeed. Next week, Donna asked me if I'd like to work with her on some stability and safety exercises, designed to keep me safe and build the muscles that will (hopefully) help me avoid injury in the future. How fortunate am I that one of the greatest trainers at the gym wants to take some time out of her schedule to focus on me, my goals and my progress? This must mean she believes I can succeed. If she believes it, I think I will, too.

Meanwhile, we wait for the next appointment with the ortho doc (May 4) and we pray the Achilles heals (HAHA! Achilles heels!!!) in the interim. And we watch what we eat. And we get to the gym. And we celebrate the non-linear path to success.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Well, shit.

I'm not gonna lie to ya; I'm pretty upset. The injury to my Achilles occured on March 21. It is now April 7. It's been two and a half weeks, and I am still feeling some significant pain.

Yesterday was a good day; I felt like I was getting a lot better. There weren't any moments of "sonofaBITCHow" and I thought I was truly on the road. Then I was walking up my stairs and I lost my footing and ZOWIE, shooting pain right to the Achilles.

Is this how my life is going to be? Begin feeling better, only to re-injure the damn thing? Almost reach the point where I can start training again, just to be sent back to the starting line.

Fuck you, Achilles. You're an asshole. You're messing with my head and my body, and I'm pretty sick of it.

I can't help feeling like a failure. I know that logically this is just nuts, but that really doesn't make it suck any less. I have goals, and I'm afraid I will never be able to accomplish them. I started out thinking I couldn't run. Then I proved to myself that I could. What if I really can't? What if I can never complete a half marathon? What if that insane dream of a triathlon is really just a cruel joke played on me by the universe.

Fuck you, Achilles. You've made me feel weak and incapable. You, like Winter, seem to have me in a stranglehold, and I really hate your ass right now.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

205 and holding

No loss this week. No gain either. And that's okay; I still weigh less than it says I do on my driver's license. Things are rough emotionally right now. Not running is beginning to take its toll! And how weird is this: My knee pain has returned. I think running helped keep it at bay. However, the Achilles is still kinda bugging me, so it's not time to dive back in yet. It will happen. I will get better. I think it gets a little better every day. But for now, 205 and holding. (Holding on to an ice cream bar, but still.)