Exactly 206

That's my weight.

A total of 74 pounds down from my original starting weight. A loss of 34 pounds since I began blogging again last August. Seven pounds away from being less than 200, and 31 pounds away from my goal.

I don't know if I've ever been this close to my goal before. Seriously. It's a little intimidating.

This has been an incredibly tough week. My strength training class on Tuesday tore me apart emotionally, because I couldn't get through even one set of one exercise with good form. I felt fat and pathetic and out of shape and, have I mentioned pathetic? It sucked. Part of why it felt so demoralizing is that I'm currently at my hormonal height of the month. Everything has been an emotional roller coaster, at least in the first few days of this week. (It also sets me up to be completely ravenous; that seems to have subsided. For now.) Tuesday night was so rough, I actually skipped Salsa/Funk. I know! This never happens. I was just not in the right headspace to handle it; as it was, I cried the entire way home. (Does this mean I'm crazy? Crazier than you thought? Who knows. What I know for sure is, my dad is a saint. I called him as I drove home, and he helped me laugh at myself. He's a righteous dude.)

Wednesday night brought me back to the gym, this time for hot yoga. I went into class knowing it could very possibly bring out an emotional response. I also took a different spot in clase, because Corina the ballerina saved me a spot up by her ... way up in front. It was a good place to practice; very focused. So there I was, in the middle of a sequence of child's pose to downward dog, and Pink's song "Perfect" came on.

Cue the waterworks.

Seriously, you haven't lived until you weep in downward dog and the tears flow right down your forehead and into your hair. I think that was the first time I've ever cried upside down. It was ... unique. And cleansing and wonderful. Eventually, it made me laugh, and brought me back into focus on the poses, and class just felt amazing. It was exactly where I needed to be.

Then last night, as I was working on the treadmill with the incomparable Pam at my side, Donna came over to say hello. We had a lovely chat, and she reminded me of something she has told me before:

"This isn't a linear path. It zigs and zags. We stumble. When one day we can plow through the workout and the next day we can barely make it, that's to be expected."

I need to remember that. Some days are going to feel like backward motion. Some days are going to suck. But the fact that I'm working is reason enough to keep working.

With that in mind, I ran/walked my slowest workout ever. It took me 50:14 to finish 3.1 miles, which sets me up for what I'm hoping will be a great race on Sunday - the St. Paddy's 5K in Long Grove, with my BFF Rebekah. My only goal is to beat yesterday's time. I'm relatively confident I can do that! (Let's hope the weather cooperates.)

Next week's weigh-in falls at that point in the month when I'm at my heaviest, so if I stay the same (or put on a pound or two) I'm not gonna panic. It is what it is, ladies and gents ... and what it is is not linear.